First time mother

SO, YOU WANTED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL AND A MOTHER?

                Becoming mother for the first time was a fascinating feeling in my life. My mother, grandmother, aunts, friends and all relatives suddenly were experts in the field. Of course I had to listen to every single advice – “You have to take a Lamaze class", "Don't let them make you a caesarean section”, “don’t eat too much, you will gain so much weight that you later won’t lose”- and naturally “You must put them into practice If you want your baby to be physically and emotionally healthy” they said. During the pregnancy, I read every book I could find “You & Your Baby Pregnancy: The Ultimate Week-by-week Pregnancy Guide”   ( Riley, L.), "El Libro del embarazo" ( Planeta Mamá), magazines such as Ser Padres and Mi Bebe y yo. I filled up my head with all these ideas. By the due date, I was so nervous and unconfident of becoming a mother. I felt I was going to be a failure and that I wouldn’t do it right.  You might think what a big trouble! right? Wait there’s more about this story. I was on my senior year of university and the expectations were higher. My classmates and colleagues were expressing me their concerns about me being a mother and completing the rest of the year. I think they were skeptical about my school, professional and new mom skills. There were just too many activities, obviously I had all that considered and surely I started to panic. 

How many times have you been thinking what you want to do with your life? How often do you find yourself making plans for the future? Well, my grandma used to say “want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”. I think, when I was younger I didn’t understand the meaning for this expression. I’m a believer and I know God has a plan for me and for every person in this planet. Back in that time (pregnancy period) those words hadn’t made the impact that they have in me these days. I was raised to be a housewife, and a mother, being a professional was not contemplated into my family’s beliefs. Even though I always had in mind going beyond that plan, which definitely was to get a bachelor degree and have a profession that allows me to develop other skills than being a mother and a wife. Due to the exposure of my generation to the women’s liberation, experimenting the freedom that my era was offering to our gender, it kept me thinking about my possible professional goals. I remember my classmates talking about women’s rights and new job offers around the world.  My life up to that moment was just in order, but I have never expected to get married and have a baby so soon. 

Who said a change of plans?

All of a sudden my path began to change. First, feeling physically a little different, you know, morning sickness. Then, confirming the doubt. “We are expecting!” You can imagine all those mixed feelings that I was having. Happy but perplexed, excited and at the same time paralyzed. During the process of assimilation, my husband's emotions and mine were just like taking a ride on a roller coaster, going up and down. I have to recall that in every moment I had his support and that was what made me feel strong throughout this process.

The moment of truth had arrived, -“we are parents!”- Wait, -“I’m a mother?”- Now, what? Do you remember when I revealed to the world that I was pregnant and every single person around me became expert gynecologists? Guess what? Now everyone became expert pediatricians, just like receiving all that expertise with a magic touch. So, I realized that receiving tons of advice about baby care was going to be inevitable. Actually, I was not surprised I had read in one of the books mentioned before that this situation was going to happen, want it or not. Consequently, I decided to listen and choose what I thought were appropriate and suitable for me and my newborn baby.

The 40 days quarantine period was going to conclude, and I had to leave my baby boy in the care of somebody else. This was not a surprise for anyone, as I was just finalizing my bachelor studies. My husband and I had talked previously the birth, we decided to leave the baby in the care of my mother in law. She was excited and ready to receive him. Going back to school and working in a professional service made me think which priorities will take me busy since then.

 It is so easy to get involved into a professional life style. The freedom that anyone can feel, when you do what you love and receive a payment for that, it is just liberating. But you never consider that you have another life when you go back home. At the end of each working day, arriving at your house and feeling you have just missed the first smile, the first babbling and probably other first things from your baby, it is not comparable to the feel of freedom that your job is giving you. At that moment, I considered making a pause in my professional goals. Probably I will miss some chances of professional growth and miss a lot of opportunities. 

So, what do you want to do now?

Last year I watched an interview made to Michelle Obama, the actual first lady of the United States of America and a lawyer. She was asked what do women need to do in order to change the place in the working area. I was paying very close attention, of course, I wanted to know what this outstanding woman had to say about this issue. She started saying that women must raise our voices and demand for our needs. Then, she continued explaining what she meant by this, she began to tell an anecdote when she had her daughters (Malia and Sasha).

“We lost our babysitter, which was probably the worst time of my motherhood. I was so devastated, because that balance, that worth family balance it’s so fragile and you realize how fragile it is that with a blink of an eye a broken toilet, a sick child, a sick parent, that a balance is throwing off and after we throw our first babysitter, someone we developed trust with, we let them in our home, they were wonderful they loved your kids (…)”

Up to here, I could feel how she was struggling during that period. Someone can explain to you how difficult it is to have all your day arranged that one may continue with the rest of your activities and then something goes wrong. For example, losing your trustworthy babysitter. This is one of those things that causes to any woman to give up her professional interests. One minute from feeling the sun and the stars are falling over you can make you check out from any activity you could be into it.

And then, the first lady of U.S. continued,

"I said forget it, I'm just not doing it again. But I got a call from the University of Chicago Hospital. They wanted me to interview for a job and by then I was ready to be done, but that empowered me. I said, you know, I don't even want this job, so I'm gonna go to the interview and I'm gonna be whomever I'm gonna be and they are gonna have to deal with it and who I was at that time. I was a breastfeeding mother of a 4-month-old (…)".

 I thought: this is a real woman! She has lived with the same problems as I did. Now, it intrigues me; how did she handle being a mother and a lawyer? What was her next step? Because as far as everyone knows, she is considered the person that supports effectively the president of the United States of America (Barak Obama).

She concluded her anecdote as follows:

"So, I properly took Sasha (her 4-month daughter) to the interview with me, and I thought to look this is who I am (…) I got two little babies, they are my priorities. If you want me to do the job, you gotta pay me to do the job and you gotta give me flexibility and flexibility means that I will work my tail off for you, but you'd better pay me and value my family. And the guy said "of course!" (laughing) and I thought, are you kidding? So, I became a Vice president at the University of Chicago Hospital and it was one of the best experiences that I had because he put my family first (…)”.

 After this last phrase my mind just blew out. His new boss put her family first! I realized that being a mother is not an obstacle for developing professionally. Then, I thought that the order of priorities must be as follows: “God first, then family, then career” (Kay, M.) This order of priorities has changed my entire world. Considering that nowadays I’m married to an incredible man, I'm a mother of three, I'm a teacher in two universities, and I'm studying a masters degree; anyone could fail in any of those areas. Some people have asked me how do I do this. Some others can think that I'm not organized and probably my children can be lacking quality time. Well, guess what? After all these situations that I should manage every day, I have in first place the most important priority God. He is my rock, he is my guide, he is my psychologist. Every morning I give thanks for another day, for having all those blessings with me, and off course I ask for being blessed with patience, love, grace, and one thing I ask for to Jesus Lord of time and space is to be blessed with those two elements. As I previously mentioned, I'm a believer and I appreciate had been raised like that. I think faith has filled me and I do not leave space for nonsense situations. Mother Theresa said, “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” I think that having the gift of being a mother of three children has given me the strength and a clearer vision of my goals. I had set my view on reaching my objectives, and they are part of the plan. “What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” (Mother Theresa)

Can your career make you a better mom?

I must mention now that the three women I admire the most were working mothers, my two grandmothers, and my mother, each one in different ways. My mother worked from home since I remember, her job allows her to do that. She works in the beauty field, besides she is a beautiful woman. My father's mother (R.I.P.) was one of the most extraordinary and hardworking women I've ever met. She supported my grandfather to build up a restaurant from scratch. My relatives tell stories that she was the responsible for having that business running during that time. And my mother's mother, she was a nurse when she got married to my grandfather. But she decided to quit and take care from her 6 children, including my mother. Even she was a housewife, she had her own business of jewelry. She used to sell to her neighbors, friends, relatives and every person she met. She is fantastic, very social and easy going. I think I see so much of her in me. Actually I see a lot of the three in me. When I talk to my mother and grandmother they always recommend me not to work too much. But I always reply to them, “I only do what I see you do.”

I think that all those psychological researchers about children left behind from their parents, and all that information that you can cause serious problems to their behavior, make parents feel responsible for every single action their children do and that it keeps them feeling guilty for scolding them, raising up their voices, or even punishing them when they behave improperly. That guilty feeling increases when both parents work outside from home. I recently read an article which very clearly explained that any mother ought to feel upset for having a full or part time job. Instead, the author proclaims that children from working mothers had improved their lives because of that.

 "My mother’s career has improved my life in every possible way,” my friend Antonia Kerle told me. “It’s not just that she’s made me ambitious, but she’s also made me believe that I really can do what I want to do and be happy doing it. I think lots of women may hear that, but they don’t have a role model for it.” (Alter, C. 2014)

After reading this text, I made myself a small investigation among my Facebook friends. The following, are some of the posts my friends did to the following question: What has been the most difficult thing you sacrificed for being a mother and the most rewarding thing you have for the same reason?

According to Marissa,

“I sacrificed 800 dollars per 5 days a week job for being there for my son 24/7, it hurts not having the money, but it worth. I don't regret. It was difficult, but I don't regret it.”  She sacrificed monetary issues, but she doesn't regret at all. I personally hang out with her and I know for sure she enjoys being a mother.

Ruth wrote,

“I wouldn't say sacrificed, but it is limited. Going to the gym, going to parties late night. The most rewarding… difficult, but one of the things is that my daughter wakes me up every morning with a smile and a kiss.” Her daughter is a beautiful little girl and I can say she could give her life for her.

Claudia states,

 “The most difficult, to leave her for some hours to go out to work and can’t sleep fully every night. But, the most rewarding is watching her smile at me every time I speak to her.” She is a 3-month baby girl mother, she is an extraordinary teacher and I know she is spending the moment of her life being a new mom.

Blanca affirmed,

“Had lost very special moments with my children, even for being tired or just not being there with them, that’s what I can call “the sacrifice”. The most rewarding is feeling their admiration and respect for all my achievements.” She is a mother of two successful adults. She is another extraordinary and successful colleague. I can say one of my role models.

These women had sacrificed their lives in different ways, but they have very clear that this sacrifice has a bigger reward.

Are you making up your mind?

Are you a mother or a professional? Both things are possible to handle. Just set your priorities. Remember the order, “God first, then family, then career” (Kay, M.) If you keep this phrase in mind, anything you consider doing could be possible. "Because nothing shall be impossible with God." (Luke 1:37, YLT)